- Hi! I wanted to contact you, because I'm detransitioning (going from ftm, back to female). Yesterday, I made my intentions known to my doctors, and should be starting estrogen soon to revert back physically to female. It's what I need to do for myself, but I'm scared that I won't be happy with the end results. I've been injecting testosterone for around 3 and a half years, have had top surgery, and a hysterectomy. The hysterectomy is how I really ended up on testosterone in the first place. I needed the hysto for medical reasons, it was legit, but before I was even out of the hospital my doctors were telling me I had to be on one hormone or the other. My doctor knew that I was interested in testosterone, but I had previously called them crying (before my surgery) saying I didn't know if I wanted to transition. I feel like I never had a chance to discover what being a woman was like really, because of the "issues" I had going on pre-hysto...Now I am facing the task of going back, after years of synthetic hormones/top surgery, and I am scared shitless about it. I know I'll be able to have reconstructive surgery on my breasts eventually, there are many females who have had to do so after a mastectomy for cancer, with good results. I mainly worry about how people will treat me, until I can refeminize my face, body, and fix the thinning hair issue I have because of T (talking to my doctor about finasteride for it). I feel like a feminine woman, but fear it's going to take me forever to get my body to that point. To be honest, I used to hate you and your blog. I think I misjudged your intentions. You do shoot straight from the hip, but I think you do it out of genuine care for women (like myself) who are ruining our bodies just to have to take a long hard road back. I wish I would have listened to you years ago.
- I'm 30 years of age. I don't blame anyone else for my idiocy. I just wish I would have learned to love myself before completely turning my life upside down with all of this. I messaged you because I'm afraid.
- I had started living as a male in society around 19 years of age (just binding & my name changed). Previously, I had come out in the mid 1990's (at 13) as a lesbian, which wasn't well received by my Southern Baptist family. As strange as it may sound, my mother could accept having a child who was "born in the wrong body" more than she could accept having a daughter who was gay. Even now I cringe at what she's going to say to me when I tell her I'm going back, it's not going to be a good day. I....had been online for years prior looking at transitioning videos, as well as talking to trans men about their experiences. It sounds stupid now, but at the time it seemed like a good answer to some of my problems. Become a male in society, don't have as much bullshit to deal with, etc. It really is night/day how people treat you when you're perceived as male than when you're female.
- I had spoken to my doctor previously that I was strongly considering taking T, and they were ready to provide it after my hysto. I started injections four days after my surgery, while I was still an impatient. I don't blame them. I should have waited awhile, a few months without hormones wouldn't have killed me. That is the only ill will I hold against the doctors, how persistent they were that I choose right away.
- I'm stopping transition for multiple reasons. A big one is my health. My blood pressure stays high...The doctors aren't certain why...but I wasn't having the problems until I was on T. Another reason is I'm tired of feeling numb and emotionless. I just feel like I exist most of the time. I'm tired of injections, tired of paranoia about people finding out, tired of failed relationships, and other reasons. It sucks that I have to figure out how to reclaim my womanhood internally as well as externally. I know I won't be happy until I have breast reconstruction and laser hair removal (I'm soooo thankful I never had bottom surgery).
- I'm already cold turkey, until the 26th (when I see my Endocrinologist). I told them my intentions and they said to not take anything right now. I have been weaning myself off in a sense, my shots have been very sporadic over the last year. I want chest reconstruction because I want my breasts back. I know that there are females with flat chests, which is fine, I just don't think I would be happy with that in the long run. As far as dysphoria... that is a tough one. I mean I've been uncomfortable with my body since puberty, but I think a lot of females feel that way. I think my transition started out as a way to blend into society, when I was binding & had short hair I didn't look like a dyke anymore. I found comfort in being invisible after being harassed for so long. Then it all just took off from there. As far as family, I never had much of one after coming out as gay so young. My mom is about all I have left and she has been 100% on board with my ftm transition. She is the one I worry about. Other than that I am currently taking a break from my 12 year relationship, the communication just went downhill after being on T. She and I do hope to reunite in the future as a lesbian couple, but for right now we're working on ourselves. It was a mutual decision and I think it's for the best.
I applaud this lesbian for braving her way back to her lesbian roots and paving the way by example for other unhappy trans females to find their way back.
dirt